Dipping my pinky toe into the blogging pool...

28 weeks 4 days

2012-01-04T16:04:00.000-08:00

Moving right along...and when I say moving, I'm not kidding. This little guy is quite the mover! We started fetal monitoring this week and all went well. A little juice before I went was all he needed to jump around like crazy and give the nurse a good read. He even cooperated for his u/e and gave us a face shot, opened and closed his mouth a couple times and let us get a profile picture:)

I go on modified bed rest effective 1/14. This means I work from home on a laptop with my feet up. I expect my days will go like this: wake, shower, wake G, take her to daycare, come home, eat, answer emails and then read some dreadfully boring plans that are in desperate need of updating. Once the reading is all done, I can start the updating. In the afternoons I have a small window of activity which to me means get dinner ready before DH comes home with the kiddo and the chaos ensues!

In G news, she climbed out of her crib last week. No joke, 16 months and 1 day...she woke up, hollered a bit and then managed to lift herself up and over the side ending in a loud thud on the floor. I was in the shower so DH rushed in when the crying started and there she was sitting on the floor a little dazed and confused. We moved the mattress to the floor inside the crib frame and went on a hunt for a crib tent. Alas, our specialty crib doesn't allow for them to fit so her mattress is on the floor and this is working for now. It gives us about 5 more inches and hopefully a couple of months so that we can transition her into a toddler bed. She just isn't ready yet! Ugg. Over achiever!

She is truly a delight though and we look forward to what 2012 brings. Her vocabulary is building everyday as is her understanding so we look forward to continuing to watch her grow. Here are some recent pics:

Another NICU baby in the family, etc.

2011-11-14T11:04:00.000-08:00

I'm a little slow on the uptake but Baby B arrived a week after my BFF delivered her twin sister stillborn. She arrived on 10/25...at only 24 1/2 weeks. She is so tiny, born at 1 lb 9 oz and 11 inches long, reminds me of my Sweet Scarlett who was 1.8 and 12 inches. Her weight is up and down an oz or 2, but she is currently 1 lb 11 oz and off the vent in less that 3 weeks which is wonderful news! They heard her cry for the first time a day or so ago and can't hold her until she is 2 lbs 3 oz...going to be awhile. She has also opened her eyes now which were still fuzzed shut at delivery. I am so happy that all is going well and we had her baby shower yesterday which was so nice. So much cute premie stuff, not to mention the boxes and boxes I haven't taken her yet...she has so much coming I told her to return all the clothes:)

Our Baby B is progressing along, moving all the time. We were 21 weeks on Sat and finally took a bump picture this last week. I am way bigger, faster this time around but thankfully I had lost all the weight from G so I'm still pretty small even though I am 5 lbs over the 'normal' weight gain at this point...oops. It is true what they say though, you don't do as much for the 2nd...I haven't even started his baby book yet:( Oh well...G's is on hold too so it's not like she has one completed and he won't. I'll get to them, it just might be awhile:) Still no names...stay tuned.

DHs ex has been up to her old crap again...sent us a demand letter back in March for a 60% increase in support due to 'cost of living' increases. This is code for, we bought a big house we can't afford that is upside down and stupidly went out and bought your 15 year old daugther a brand new car that we don't want to pay for anymore, send us money. Yeah, bite me. We were seriously not in a position to give her anything else and wrote a very nice and detailed letter explaining our position which got ignored until a month or 2 later when in August she sent a demand email with the 60% option or 50% plus, plus...um, we still have had no change and can't give you what we don't have. At that point we were pulling the contribution to SDs college fund out of savings every month to cover it since we are bound by a court order to do so. All along we told her once I was working again (even though my working has no bearing on the $ she gets) and DH knew his contract updates in October, we would let her know and be prepared to discuss providing additional help if she needed it.

Instead of waiting 1 more month, she slapped us with court papers demanding a 100% increase, plus, plus. RUFKM? So stupid, now we had to call our attorney, pull $ out of savings to send him so we can reply to her crap through him and she still isn't getting anymore $ because now things are all tied up in the legal system. So frustrating! She even had the nerve to send us a bill for $185 in yearbook and ASB fees...WTH? That is what your support goes towards. Why not make SD buy her own yearbook? She works...I always had to pay for my own. She kills me.

Anyways, it will all work out, it always does, it's just one more thing on my plate and this time of year and now with a baby on the way I just didn't need the stress. I have been really staying out of it this time and letting DH deal with our attorney when in the past I have had to do most of that because he wasn't in a position with work to be able to make phone calls, etc. Now that he has a desk job he can run point and just loop me in when need be. The bottom line is that we will help with what we can but with actual expenses for his DD, minus the new car. She didn't NEED a brand new car...I just got my first in 20 years. Parents who buy their 15-16 YOs brand new cars need their heads examined...seriously. DH wasn't consulted on it, wasn't asked to help or contribute, nothing. We didn't even know about it until SD updated her yahoo status with..."My parents just bought me a brand new XXX, cutest flipping car ever". Wow, nice, good for you. If they bought a house they can't afford that is on them. They have moved 3 times in 5 years continually upgrading to bigger and better...we have 1000 sq feet b/c we can't afford to move and we aren't going to pretend we can and get in over our heads to do it. Not to mention the fact that she hasn't honored the visitation agreement in 3 years and the one time we had enough travel rewards for DH to go up to visit was for a sporting event and he got to see DD for all of 10 minutes and that was only after her step-dad went and forced her to come say "hi" to him because her mother told her she didn't have to even after they invited him to come. The whole thing is just blek!

Here we go again...

2011-10-19T16:17:00.000-07:00

First news...we are PG...again. Due date is 3.24.12...and IT'S A BOY!

We are in total shock...well DH is, I kinda had a feeling. He was ready for another girl. 3 for 3 so far, so it was just kinda a given, so he thought. But nope, surprise surprise...a little man will be joining the family late March. They will share a room though so now I have to try and make 1/2 suitable for a little boy! Good thing the walls are green:)

In other news...my very best friend was expecting twin girls in February. We got the terrible news that baby A had a variety of medical issues the greatest of which being that she had a hole in her heart. The Dr's didn't expect he to make it much longer as she had stopped growing at about 22 weeks. She passed last week which was confirmed by an ultrasound...no heartbeat. The plan was to leave her and just wait for delivery of baby B...well that came sooner than expected.

She went into labor early this am and was leaking fluid. They admitted her to the hospital and have been working to stop the contractions all day. An ultrasound confirmed that baby B's fluids were good and the contractions were slowing. The Dr. checked her to find she was dilated to 1 and baby A was laying right on her cervix which is beginning to shorten...not good news. The contractions have increased and they have given her all the meds they can. The plan is to deliver baby A without delivering baby B but no guarantees. Once A has delivered they will give her more meds to try and relax her uterus...lots of prayers headed her way that they are able to keep baby B in there a few more weeks. She will be 24 weeks PG on Friday. It's way too soon!

I feel so badly for her. She is now not only dealing with the delivery of a stillborn, but the possible premature birth of the 2nd with a low expectation that she will survive let alone not suffer from any number of complications and issues. She is only 1 lb, 9oz. Had she carried baby B to term, at that point baby A would just be calcified tissue and they wouldn't even get to see her. According to her Dr. she would not be considered a birth, still or otherwise, and they would not have to deal with remains, etc. That had seemed the best outcome given the circumstances so that they did not have to mourn the loss of one while celebrating the other...

I had hoped to never experience either of these things again personally or through someone I know. I would never wish this on anyone and to have to watch she and her family go through this just sucks! My heart is breaking for her. I know how scared she is that she could lose them both and there is nothing I can do for her.

Well, she's 1...

2011-08-29T10:26:00.000-07:00

Enjoying the special Tiffany's boxes daddy made.

She liked the bubble sticks better than the actual bubbles.

Dessert for everyone!

My first chocolate cupcake! YUM!

Opening a special blue box from mommy and daddy.

She liked the box better than the actual bling...mommy will wear it until she is ready...darn it!

Can't believe it's been a year!

We love you peanut girl to the moon and back!

Party planning part I...

2011-08-24T18:55:00.000-07:00

First for the food...with 5 days to go I made the hot marinated, Mexican style carrots with onion and cauliflower. After just overnight they are so YUM! I would like them hotter but these should appeal to most of the guests:)

Next some of the decor...

DH made 3 Tiffany's boxes that we will set in a corner of the yard for a photo spot. He made the small one especially for Reagan so she could sit on it:) Such a good daddy!

I am decorating the #1 to hang on the front door and hope to get a few pics of Reagan carrying it around too.

The BIG Birthday Extravaganza!

2011-08-23T20:44:00.000-07:00

Can't believe she is going to be ONE in just a few short days...the planning and preparations are in full swing...

Tiffany's is the theme of the party:) I figure this year I get to do what I want since next year she will be able to talk and likely will have a very strong opinion!

We have a taco vendor coming. I am making hot marinated carrots, onions and cauliflower (cooling on the stove as we speak...pics to post later), and Mexican shrimp cocktail. We will also have nachos with the melted cheese and jalapenos because those are my favorite. To drink we are doing water, lemonade (regular and strawberry), beer and margaritas, and soda. Cupcakes, cookie and candy bar for dessert.

Tables and chairs were ordered today and will be delivered Friday. I went with 10-12person rounds with teal tables linens. I am using the vases from the wedding filled with tiffany blue crystals and just whatever white flowers costco has sat morning...I'm hoping for gerbers but will take whatever they have. I am making teal sandpails filled with goodies for all the kiddos. I still need to order balloons...I'm going to ask my mom to take care of that since the party is at her house and it's easier for her to just run over and take care of that party:) We have about 95 people RSVP'd...should be a fun time!

Just passing the 10 month mark...

2011-07-11T09:24:00.000-07:00

...and big news from us. Momma is back to work! Eeek! It has been a stressful transition to daycare but "G" is doing very well. We found a wonderful home daycare through a referral. The lady is about 5 minutes from our house, right on my way to the freeway so the location is perfect. She also watches the 14 month old grandson of our friends that live across the street. It's really a perfect solution for us. She only takes 4 kids total and she just has the 2 of them right now. Reagan is there by herself 1-2 days a week and then the other little boy is there the other 2 days. DH is off on Fridays so she stays home with daddy. This is proving to be great for them! He is loving these days of bonding and is getting more and more comfortable having her on his own which is great for me! I work an alternate schedule and have every other Monday off so that is our time together which is also great!

Of course I cried the first day when I left her. She didn't...matter of fact she didn't cry the whole first week, which was only 3 days. The second week she had caught on to the program and let me know she wasn't happy I was leaving her. At 9 months the seperation anxiety was showing in a big way. Her crying when I left only lasted that 2nd week though and since then things have been good. Sometimes she's a little bit fussy when I leave but we are teaching her to wave bye bye to distract her. So far, so good.

We just passed the 10 month mark and this first year has just flow by! I can't believe looking back at our 5 pound NICU baby that she is now over 18 pounds and almost 30 inches long! They grow so fast! A lot of firsts for us too...her first 2 teeth, her first pulling herself up to standing, her first step this last weekend, her first swim, first crawl, first sleeping through the night (more than just 1 day...an actual week in a row), her first baseball game (just yesterday), her first table food...I'm sure there are more.

Mommy also got her 1st new car in 20 years! So excited...we went with a Toyota Venza and it is perfect for us! We only had 1 car that held a car seat so on the days daddy needed to take it to work, I was stuck at home with "G" and no car. Going back to work, another car was a must...we were looking used but when we settled on the Venza, new was a better deal. It is roomy inside and actually larger than the small SUV we have. It is a very comfortable ride and will be an excellent family car for the next 10+ years! Likely longer than that...we don't tend to change cars often. On the MM front, I am making extra payments so that we can pay it off early since I am a huge fan of not having a car payment:).

We did family photos with my cousin a few weekends back and with that we did some shots for the 1st birthday party invitation...yes, the BIG birthday extravaganza planning is in full swing. I am going to do my best to blog it! We will see...

With, that I will get back to work...here are some more recent photos:

I seriously suck at blogging...seriously!

2011-01-28T20:21:00.000-08:00

Reagan is 5 months old yesterday...I never even came back and updated that we had named her! Good grief! We did name her (spelled and pronounced like the President)and she is wonderful...

I can't even explain how crazy about this kid I am and of course I think she is absolutely beautiful...what kind of mother would I be if I didn't though, right?

So beautiful in fact that I entered her in a model search contest...you can vote for her here: http://modelsearch.parenting.com/contests/voteformyentry/713228?sk=PH%3A%5Cls - the link isn't working so a copy and paste should do it;)
Thanks!

Here are some pictures...she was 14 lbs at her last shot appointment almost 2 weeks ago. Crazy how fast time flies.

I look like holy hell here (running back and forth to the NICU and then having a heart monitor at home that goes off at all hours will do that to you), but this is 4 generations!

The rest of these are of her this week...5 months old!

Baby Girl is Here!

2010-08-27T19:12:00.000-07:00

She is yet to be named but never the less, she joined us over 7 weeks early at 3:04 am today, 8/27. She weighed in at 5 lbs and is 18 inches long. Dr said has she gone to term she likely would have been close to 9lbs. Eek! She was breach so they did a c-section after my water broke at 1:30am. DH was home sleeping and I called and woke him and he rushed right over. We got prepped and ready to go...the pics are backwards in order but you get the idea. The bruising on her leg is where they had to grab her and pull her out. She was wedged up really high under my rib cage.

So bitter sweet. She looks like our sweet Scarlett...

Kitchen update, etc.

2010-08-12T17:34:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a bit lengthy since it has been so long since I have actually sat at the computer for any length of time. First off, we are making what I think is great progress on the kitchen. I will post in order of completion...

Drywall = no more gapping holes in my walls that let me see outside from my dining room and kitchen.

With drywall came a new door = still having to let the pup out to pee at 4 am b/c the door that was doggie door compatible was $1k and we are cutting the budget as best we can but this one is still pretty:)

And the best part for me in this whole thing to date is the new appliances are hooked up...

FINALLY ice and water that work! We had a fridge with this feature before but there was no water line to hook up to so for 5 years I have been going to the neighbor's for ice when I need it. No more! DH let me do the honors and took a picture to document the occasion. Oh and I can do laundry at home again which is fantastic!

Next came the cabinet build...all last week DH and his buddy built the cabinet boxes and may I just say they are beautiful! This week has been the face frames and the beginning of install...

The first 3 sections...washer/dryer...pantry & fridge unit installed:)

I have been busy myself...I sold our old fridge, stove and microwave on craigslist in 24 hours:) Then my neighbor gave me a dresser she wasn't using anymore b/c I mentioned I was looking for a 2nd one for the master bedroom so that was great news for the budget. I then used the directions for refinishing in shabby sheek style from this blog: http://www.inthefunlane.com/ to refinish the dresser and now just have 2 more pieces to go so they all match. The before is here:

And the after...in just the palest of blues...

I have also been working on refinishing a side dresser for the nursery, finishing the nursery bedding, painting the master bedroom, etc. But those projects aren't quite done and ready to photograph so a post on that will come later. In the midst of all this we have passed the 30 week mark with baby g and the most recent "bump" picture (although a couple weeks late) is below:

28 weeks and 3 days...

A break from the kitchen...

2010-06-29T08:27:00.000-07:00

At Barrett Jackson Orange County.

For Father's Day we bought my dad and DH passes to spend the weekend at the Innaugural Barrett Jackson auto auction in Orange County. They let me tag along. There were some beautiful cars up for sale. Here are some photos for you to enjoy:)

This Lincoln was beautiful and went for $44,000

Jesse James had one of his cars there for sale. A custom Ford that went for $165,000

This T-bird is a 1960 like my dad's but had a sunroof that his does not. His is also the light Ford yellow/cream We rarely see these at shows. This one went for $22,000.

This 1957 Cadillac Coupe DeVille was one of DH's favorites. When I win the lottery I plan to buy him one. He had one in HS for a brief time...not as nice as this one of course. This went for $38,500.

This Bonneville was beautiful and went for $44,000

We have floor tile!

2010-06-25T08:36:00.000-07:00

Can I get a woot-woot?

Seriously, this is REAL progress...new pipes, sewer line, water heater, blah, blah.

This is progress I can SEE and its pretty!:)

We decided to go with the lightest tile of the 3 we were looking at. It was the least expensive, will show the least amount of dog hair and random dirt and did I mention it was the least expensive? By 1/2!

Anywho...here it is for your viewing pleasure:)

Photo comments are under their respective shot.

I came home night before last to this.

They had been at it all day so I was surprised at what seemed like little progress but then found out they had laid the cement board (the white stuff under the tile) and that it had then taken them 5 hours to set just these few tiles b/c of the size and the floor not being exactly level...stupid 60 year old house!

I came home yesterday to this!

An hour or so later DH hollered for me to come get pics of the last tile going in..

He checked things out one last time before securing it down.

Teddy even came over to see what the excitement was about. He doesn't understand why he can't walk in there but boy does he try to when you open the door:)

Moment of truth...so happy to be done!

Perfect! Now grout tomorrow:) Yeah for floor tile!

The Good and Bad of being unemployed...

2010-06-23T09:52:00.000-07:00

In no particular order:

Good - I get to rest and relax the last few months before baby g comes. Said rest and relaxation includes having plenty of time to get projects done...2 quilts, crib bedding, shower invites for the wedding I'm in 2 weeks before my due date, decorating the kitchen (once it's done), etc.

Bad - Minimal funds to spend on all projects.

Good - Much of the needed supplies for projects are already purchased and most of what is left to purchase is a tax write off b/c both quilts are donations:)

Bad - Unemployment pays way less than a salary.

Good - We have made it work before and it does work and we don't have to give up anything except extra saving for vacations and such.

Bad - I would love a little vacation this summer now that I'm not working.

Good - I will be home with baby g paid for much longer that the 3 months of maternity leave I was going to take with no pay. I might qualify for disability while on maternity leave instead of u/e which I wouldn't have otherwise...still unclear on this but 'might' is better than for sure not.

Bad - I'm likely never going to want to go back to work once she arrives:)

Good - I can get myself back into a normal work out routine in prep for baby.

Bad - Starting to work out at 5+ months PG is not going to do much for the already increasing size of my ass.

Good - I can finally get out on the water on my new Stand Up Paddle Board.

Bad - Not sure I will be able to paddle long or often.

Good - I will get to go and visit my ailing grand parents way more than if I was working.

Bad - I can't be added to the caregivers list since my ability to lift, etc. in the case of an emergency isn't there. Likely won't ease much of the burden from my mom.

Good - I won't have to drag my prego ass out of bed at 6am anymore and crash by 9pm after a long day at work.

Bad - No more excuses for not meal planning, having dinner at home (even in a construction sheek kitchen) and having a clean house...as clean as it can be in all the construction.

Good - No need to go buy more pants/skirts for work since I'm about grown out of what I bought when I started here in March.

Bad - Minimal funds to buy any additional maternity clothes...period. Even though there a couple of cute things I want...um, need that I'll likely go buy this weekend anyways:).

Good - I can be on a normal work out schedule once baby g arrives to lose the baby weight.

Bad - As is always the case I will have motivational issues in this department and since she arrives in the fall, no need to be bathing suit ready right away:)

Good - More time with DH before we add a 3rd to the mix.

Bad - Don't get to buy the new car we planned on until I am once again working.

Good - No childcare costs since I'll be home.

More kitchen stuff...

2010-06-18T09:53:00.000-07:00

We are trying to decide on the flooring to go with the counter tops. We have a great deal lined up on the counters that is just abotu 1/2 what we were expecting. The gal is working to see what kind of deal she can give us on the mosaic tile backsplash we want but in light of my new 'lay off' news, we might have to for-go this all together, at least for the time being. Lastly we need to pick the floor. We had our hearts set on a dark grey tile that resembles slate but it will run $1000-1200 for just the tile. DH is going to install it himself but there is still the cement board, goo stuff you adhere it down with, etc. so about $1500 total for that one we want. We can get a lighter one that has some light grey swirles in it for 1/2the price. At point, $500-600 for tile is looking pretty good. I took some pictures of the combinations the other night before we decided. Now with my lay off we are going the less expensive route. We figure it will also be the "safe" choice for future resale having a wider appeal to buyers, and since we have a white dog it will be easier to keep looking clean that the other. The way I figure it, in 5 years if we want a change and must have the dark, we can always change it. For now, the less $ we spend, the better!

The dark tile on the right is the one we REALLY want. Medium grey in the middle Dh doesn't like because it looks like polished concrete. The light one on the far left is the one we are going with. The other 2 things are the counter top and the maybe backsplash.

In this one the tile we have selected is at the top of the photo.

As an added bonus, these beauties have arrived:)

There they sit, taunting me because the electricity won't be done until next weekend...I never thought I would say this, but I can't wait to do laundry!!!

22 weeks 2 days...

2010-06-18T09:37:00.001-07:00

...and counting...

Another day, another lay-off...

2010-06-18T09:16:00.000-07:00

That's twice in a year. I'm really bummed about this one too because I like it here. The last time around I was in need of a change...in a BIG way. This time I am happy and just getting settled in. Everyone has been so great and very welcoming and I finally feel like part of a team again. They were getting my new officer ready for me to move into and then BAM...budget talks took a critical turn and all senior managers were ordered to make up the difference through personnel cuts. The unions wouldn't agree to pay all or part of their retirements and the big boss said absolutely no furloughs (not sure the logic there if everyone taking an un-paid day each months means all get to keep a job), so we are down to this. Although my position is considered "critical", due to union requirements I was the last one hired so I must be the first one to go. Thankfully my boss spent hours working on his budget and will be able to keep me on the books for another month. He will officially lay me of instead of just seperating me from the agency which he could do, so at least I will qualify for unemployment so that is a huge bonus. We couldn't make it without that and the likelyhood that I will get hired somewhere else at 5 months pregnant is slim. He is really doing all that he can and I am so appreciative!

Anyways, they will also have to hold my position for me for 2 years which means that once the budget again allows them to fund the position, if it is within that 2 year window, they have to offer it to me first before hiring someone else. That is another bonus although we can't survive for 2 years without me having a job so time will tell. He is going to work on some grant funding and other options but they are not likely at this moment so he gave me official notice yesterday. Sad day indeed, but definitely a sign of the terrible economic times we live in.

Car accidents are no bueno...

2010-06-15T14:10:00.000-07:00

First things first, everyone is ok! Secondly, I didn't think to take a picture of the car. Actually I thought to but never got around to it.

So, I got t-boned in the intersection less than a block from work on Friday morning. The other driver didn't stop for a code 3 paramedic unit tring to come through an intersection. Once the paramedic and I both stopped I attempted to get out of his way, incorrectly reading the other guy only to realize too late that he wasn't stopping and WHAM-O! No fun at all. But, I did my best not to panic and the paramedics got right out to come and check on me and baby g. Blood pressure was up a bit (you think?), but I had no pain to speak of. They called off the ambulance (at my request) and told me to be sure and get to my Dr or the ER on my own to get checked out. I called DH who immediately came from home to be sure we were okay.

When I was finally cleared I got out to exchange info with the other guy and wait for the police. When I asked for his license and insurance he told me it was his cousin's car and she was bringing the insurance right over, yeah right. When I asked for his license he told me he didn't have it right now...nice. Then he told me he was unhappy this happened...um, yeah, me too. And then asked why I ran the red light. Hey, genious...if I ran a red, so did you dumbass. Ugg...oh well, this was one to let the PD figure out. I knew I was not at fault but I wasn't going to argue with him. First thing I asked him was if we was ok. He never once asked me. Ass.

I texted my boss that he was unlicensed and uninsured and asked him to be sure the guys were on their way in case he got spooked and decided to bail. 5 minutes later 2motors showed up. While they talked to the guy he changed his story a number of times. Nice. The officer told me that nothing the guy was saying made any sense. First he said he had stopped at the intersection for the paramedic. Then he said he didn't see the paramedic. Then he said he did see me, then he didn't...oye vey! I texted DH that he was unlicensed and uninsured and he told to me to make sure they arrested the guy and towed the car. No need for me to tell them what to do, they handled it all on their own...lol. Long story short they took him to jail in handcuffs where he spent the night. His cousin's car is in auto jail (aka - impound) for 30 days at $150 a day...too bad, so sad.

Thankfully myself and baby g are both ok. Amen for guardian angels! We went right to the Dr. and she had a nice strong heart beat. Dr. put me on bedrest the rest of the day and modified rest for the weekend. I am back to work today and other than my normal inability to sit for long periods of time without my butt cheek going numb (TMI?), all seems to be well. Per the Dr. if anything was going to happen it would have happened within the first 24 hours. Also, I am not the first or last PG lady to get into an accident and now is the perfect time for it, if there is one. She has already latched on but my uterous isn't ready to start wanting to have contractions. She is in a lot of water to slosh around in and I didn't get hit from the front or back causing pressure on my abdoman and I didn't get hit on my side of the car. All-in-all it was a best case scenario...again, Thank God!

Lord, please let the rest of this pregnancy be uneventful and accident free! Amen.

Because I'm hungry today...

2010-06-09T11:23:00.001-07:00

A quick list of some of our favorite places to dine in our area:)

Breakfast:

Bake-N-Broil http://www.yelp.com/biz/jongewaards-bake-n-broil-long-beach

DH agrees, lemon blueberry pancakes...I usually get the special spuds which aren't on the menu but its basically their breakfast potatos with cheese, tomoato, sour cream and avocado. I don't eat eggs:) I could go on and on, basically I have never had something here I didn't like. Thier cakes, pies and muffins rock!

Schooner or Later http://schoonerorlater.com/

A Long Beach icon...this place is right on the marina and has a great beachy vibe...prepare for very long waits on weekend and if you go on a holiday stand by! We went on mother's day...arrived at 8:30 to a 2+ hour wait. Good thing my dad knows the owner who hooked us up in 15 minutes! Woot:) We go here for lunch too and and the bloody mary's are the best around. Great diner food all around!

Dinner :

kPasta http://www.yelp.com/biz/k-pasta-long-beach

This is owned and operated by the couple who runs Enriques just a few doors down. Great local Italian place! All the food is yum! DH loves the clam and mussle soup and I have to say it is pretty tasty:)

Enrique's http://www.yelp.com/biz/enriques-mexican-restaurant-long-beach

Another local favorite. We don't eat Mexican food anywhere else and always take out of town guests here. Try their pork shank special or the pork chops on the menu. Also the chicken vera cruz and you can't go wrong with sea bass when its on the special list! Their basic cheese enchilada is one of the best around. Yum!

Open Sesame http://www.opensesamegrill.com/

This place rocks. If you like Mediterranean food it can't be beat. My favorite dish is the chicken slovaki...I get it with tabuli salad. I am starving...can you tell?

That is all right off the top of my head but if you are ever in the LBC and need a recommendation, let me know!

Insurance came through!

2010-06-04T11:24:00.000-07:00

Got our insurance checks (yes, plural) yesterday! Woot!

They paid way more than I was expecting like by 5. Seriously this covers 1/3 of our kitchen remodel plans...would have covered 1/2 of the original plan except there was a bunch of added expenses due to the damage but since DH is doing much of the work himself and with friends who are giving him discounts on their normal fees we are ahead of the curve!

I do need to select a wine fridge (stand alone one, not built in and nothing fancy) and a dishwasher...Nothing in the $1k range as this isn't our forever home but something nice and in the mid$ range that is relatively quiet. Stainless is what we are going for unless we find a smokin' deal on one that DH can just put a cabinet front on. So I'm on the hunt for those. If you have one you love that you want to recommend, please do so!

Other than that, the kitchen is at a stop for the weekend which is nice. The new subfloor is in and has not a squeek...this will be so great since before we could waltz to the floor squeeks! Everything is out of the dining room and I can microwave and grill (stove isn't connected). We will schedule the washer/dryer to be delivered next week and DH will be buying and installing the tile on Monday or Tuesday...moving right along:). Oh, and the bathroom has all of it's working parts again! Yippee! Next week we will be pulling out the toilet and sink...again. But this time it's just so that DH can fix the wall and then I will be repainting (a fresh coat was on my 2010 house projects list anyway) before we put all the parts back together again!

For now, my weekend "to-do" is nursery paint. I have been having some issues but I'm thinking I have things worked out. Last year we painted it a pale lime green...it is perfect for boy or girl as lime would have been a color either way. I now want a subtly different lime color for some verticle stipes on 2 of the walls. I need to test the now 2nd shade of lime I have to see if it works. My MIL will be over in the AM to help out since she has done this stripe thing before. Maybe next week DH will finally agree to go look for the crib!

1/2 way there...

2010-06-01T17:04:00.000-07:00

Hard to believe I made it to the 20 week mark on Sunday. This pregnancy seems to be dragging along and yet it's flying by at the same time. I find myself holding my breath waiting for this baby to move if it's been awhile and then smiling to myself when I feel her kick my insides (which is such a wierd sensation). I was so hesitant at first to make any plans or let myself hope and through God's grace that anxiety seems to be slowly slipping away into an excited anticipation.

I have been working a little bit at a time on the crib bedding (remind me to opt for something store bought next time) and have plans to paint some stipes on the walls in the nursery this weekend.

I spend time dreaming about what life will be like after this little one arrives (something I don't recall doing the last time around) and can see myself as a mommy to this little one.

Everyone says I will relax once I get past the time frame of our loss, I'm not entirely sure that is true but I am still counting down to 25 weeks. Do you ever really relax as you move towards one of the most life changing days of your life?

So for now I just try to stay moving forward, dreaming, preparing and taking deep breaths when needed.

We finally had our first talk about names...

The hubs doesn't like Claire (still), Leila or Vivian (my current top 3)...he doesn't understand why the two we had picked from the last time won't work this time. I can't explain it but they just don't feel right. Madeline? Izabelle? Nope.

He likes Emily, Sophie or Sophia, he also mentioned Gabrielle (that would work since his middle name is Gabriel/Gabe) and Gabby would be cute for short. I didn't care for Emily last time around but it's ok this time. Sophie is also ok. Clarissa was mentioned...I like it because we could still call her Claire although by itself it's not my favorite.

I also like Cassidy, Abigail or Lorelai...hmmm...decisions, decisions. For now we call her "baby g".

Finally some good house news!

2010-05-28T09:54:00.000-07:00

After some insurance drama over the last few days we finally got the call that we should be receiving a check next week to cover the water damage done by our leaky dishwasher. Basically they are covering the demo and haul away, the damaged wall, floor, floor covering, sub floor and floor insulation. I believe they also included 1 section of cabinets that were damaged. It is well over what I expected not realizing that in order to get to the sub floor all the rest had to come out and would be included. I am incredibly thankful for my long time agent Delores who went to bat for us when a senior adjuster was a complete ass to the hubs over the phone and basically told him we should have put industrial fans on everything to just dry it out...wtf? Yes please, with a high risk pregnancy that is exactly what we should have done with mold and mildew under the floor...fool! Anyways, after much arguing and letting them know that we weren't willing to risk our health and safety to save them a few bucks and sicking Delores on them, all has been approved and we can move forward! Yippie!

So in the meantime since the floor is open we have reinforced the floor to try and get rid of some of the squeeking that you have in 50+ year old floors/houses, the new washer and dryer are in and we just need to schedule delivery and install when we are ready. Today there will be the wrapping of the copper pipes with insulation to keep the hot water, well hot and then hopefully the new subfloor can be fitted and installed for good!

DH is also leaving next weekend for a 4 day fishing trip and I have let him know that I expect a functioning kitchen again before he leaves...to me this means the sub floor is down and the temp sink is back inside and hooked up. I also want the fridge and stove moved out of the dining room and back in place in the kitchen and then the delivery of the washer and dryer to occur as well. It would also be nice to have the sink installed back in the bathroom...that might be pushing it tho! We will see...as for photos, nothing looks any different yet so once there is something new to show I will add them:)

Oh and just as a side note, we are donating our old water heater to habitat for humanity:) I know its not the entire bank of old cabinets like I had hoped but I am stoked to be able to at least give them this! They should be picking it up in a few days.

Adding to the projects...

2010-05-25T14:45:00.001-07:00

I'm going to try my hand at making my own nursing cover with the instructions found here:

http://blisstree.com/live/free-pattern-to-sew-your-own-nursing-cover/

And my own hospital gown with the pattern found here:

http://www.lazygirldesigns.com/hospitalgown.php

Details to follow...wish me luck:)

Baby g update...

2010-05-25T12:23:00.000-07:00

Because pregnancy updates are way more fun than kitchen remodels:)

18 weeks and 2 days (this was actually last week)

Moving right along. Dr. appt yesterday went great and all is well. I have been having pressure in my chest feeling like my heart will pound right out of it. Dr. said its pulmonarysomethingorother and very normal. He said my heart is pumping 40% more blood right now than normal so it is working much harder. He went ahead and added extra iron and vitamin c to my daily vitamin intake and said that should help. The iron will also help me from becoming anemic since that happens to pretty much all women near the end of pregnancy. Since I was borderline to begin with we are getting a jump on things now.

I also get to go back to the genetic center for another 2D U/S in 3 1/2 weeks just to get another picture of how things are progressing...fine with me. I love U/S baby pictures! One of these days I'll get some scanned and uploaded into a post:)

Kitchen Remodel Update

2010-05-25T11:48:00.000-07:00

When it rains it pours...

We decided to breakdown and include a change to our electrical panel in this remodel project. Since we had to move much of the electrical for the new kitchen configuration anyways and the old box outside and the mess that it was has always bothered DH, we decided to just add it to the list. What that really meant was 2 full days with no power to the house. For the overnight portion we packed up the pup and headed to my folks house for the evening. I spent well into the night finishing the 7 loads of laundry that had been piling up since we gutted the kitchen and laundry area...

Here are some shots of what is going on at our house:

Once the power was back on DH moved in my temporary sink area and we finally had water in the kitchen...for 1 day.

I at least got to cook dinner at home...nice change from the eating out everynight for 2 weeks.

Along with the change to the electrical box we have now installed the new tankless waterheater outside (above). This bit of the project was the actual starting point. We couldn't do anything else until we got this thing moved...but of course with that comes plumbing...all new copper plumbing. Now you might be saying to yourself...the picture below doesn't look like a kitchen to me. Well then you would be correct, it is actually the bathroom...our only bathroom which currently has no toilet or sink. Super convenient for a pregnant lady, let me tell you

So while the plumber was under the house he found that we also had a crack in the main sewer line. Awesome! This just keeps getting better. Instead of leaving it to be dealt with later, we decided to fix it while the floor in the kitchen is open and it's easier to get to and before the inevitable break at which time someone would be under the house in a bunch of toilet yuck cleaning up the mess. In the meantime, I spent last weekend down at my folk's house and the last 2 nights at the neighbor's (they are awesome!). DH has also been showering and napping over there when he gets home from work. Did I mention they are awesome? We owe them big time!

As of this AM, the last 2 pictures above are what my kitchen floor looks like...well, actually no floor, just under the house where the kitchen goes. But notice the pretty new copper pipes? Today they are pressure testing all the new lines to make sure there are no leaks. They will hook the new lines to the new water heater and if all goes well they will then put the bathroom and temporary kitchen sink back in. Wishful thinking at this point I know, but if I at least have a bathroom when I get home that would be the best day! DH will likely put in the new kitchen/laundry sub-floor tomorrow and then we will have a kitchen sink. The last major thing to do is move the gas lines...oh joy, I can hardly wait to see what drama that will bring!

Ciao!

Found a great blog today...

2010-05-19T12:03:00.001-07:00

Since my attempt and inserting links has been unsuccessful you can cut and paste this - http://theflammes.blogspot.com/

I am just working my way through this blog, but I came across an excellent Joovy Ultralight Stroller review and contest! Yep...she is giving one away! This is for 2kids and since we are expecting our 1st since our angel I don't really need this right now but God-willing I will need this in a year or 2. hey, free stuff is free stuff!

I have started walking through all of the requirements to earn entries. Not sure I have done them all correctly, as this blogging world is pretty new to me as is twitter and some of the others, but I am making an attempt. Anyways, if you are interested in great tips and product reviews, etc. Plus some occassional giveaways...check it out! Oh and you earn entries into the stroller contest by writing your own blog post about the site:) Clever!

Asking for Prayers...

2010-05-18T14:31:00.000-07:00

I just found out that a former co-worker's litle girl is battling leukemia...please take a minute and say a prayer for Ella Grace...she is at CHOC and just finished a round of chemo. Now they wait. I tried to include her tag here but can't get it to show up. If you have a few minutes please visit her mom's blog and leave a comment. http://sweetellagrace.blogspot.com

Dear Lord, Bless little Ella and keep her strong. Let the chemo kill the cancer. Keep her family strong and give them hope in You Lord, Amen!

What the plan is...so far...

2010-05-07T07:55:00.000-07:00

Here are a couple shots of our top choices of stone, floor cabinet combinations.

The one with the white stone is our first choice. I love the dark grey floor and the cabinets DH is building will be white. They won't have that raised center panel though. The one with the dark stone is our second choice at this point but the stone costs half as much so budget might be the deciding factor. We like the darker floor the best with that one too and please disregard the orange glow in the stone photo...that is the reflection of the orange safety vest they made us wear while we wandered around the stone yard:).

Moldy floor photos...

2010-05-06T08:57:00.001-07:00

So this is were the sink and dishwasher used to be under the window...as I mentioned in my last post the previous owners only layed the linolium up to the dishwasher instead of covering the whole floor. When it leaked over the last year+ it went under the linolium and 2 layers of other tile, down into the sub-floor and under the house. DH will be wearing a respirator when he rips the entire kitchen floor out today. This was not part of this phase, but it is now a necessary evil. Last night we moved everything out of the way except the appliances. He will move those with a buddy today and then they will rip out the floor all the way down to the joists. Then replace with a new sub floor and then the next layer that our new tile will eventually go on top of. Living with plywood flooring is WAY better than living with mold so out it comes. Glad I'm not there for the mess!

On the bright side, the temporary counter top and sink area DH built for me yesterday is awesome - $300 well spent! It is way higher than a normal kitchen counter which is fantastic for my tall self and it's on casters:). I already know I want our new cabinets to be a few inches taller than normal so I don't have to lean over to wash dishes! I'll take pictures when I get home...it should be all installed by then! Woot!

So bummed...

2010-05-04T11:19:00.000-07:00

H4H won't take our cabinets...I'm way bummed. I went and checked out their local store on Friday and was very impressed. A great place to buy home improvement goodies on the cheap and help a great cause. They won't take our cabinets as a donation though b/c the previous owners of our house were idiots! Seriously...

The "remodel" they did before listing the house was a cheap way to up the asking price in a buyer's market. Every time we do another project we get more and more frustrated at the complete lack of common sense! This time, when attempting to remove the tile counter top as H4H requested we found that not only had they used 1, but 2 layers of plywood. In theory, not a big deal except that they first glued with some kind of construction adhesive and then screwed both pieces into the cabinets. DH about destroyed the first one trying to get the counter top off. Once destroyed...H4H won't take them. They won't take the uppers without the lowers, so...long story even longer...donation fail!

I was really bummed about this because they are in really good shape only being 5 years old. DH took special care when pulling them off the walls so as not to damage them b/c we planned to donate them. Only to find out that they wouldn't take them.

The only bright spot is that our community yard sale was Sat and we put them out to see if we had any interest. They were the hot item of the day...the first lady interested offered us $100 for them and we jumped on it not expecting anyone to want them. All day long people were checking them out and disappointed in the "Sold" sign...should'a held out for more;) Oh well. At least they didn't get thrown away.

On another bright note, DH just called and texted me a photo of the mold and rot under the dishwasher that has apparantly been leaking for quite some time. Now, had the previous owners actually pulled out the appliances before laying down the ubber-snazzy flooring we would have noticed the leak b/c the water would have been on top of the flooring and in the kitchen. But they of course didn't lay the floor correctly and instead the water leaked under the flooring and into the sub-floor and under the house. The sub-floor under the dishwasher is almost completely rotted through...nice! What a joy it would have been to leave it for a few months longer only to come home to a dishwasher that had fallen through the floor under the house.

Needless to say we are going out to dinner tonight...Can I add these dinners out to the remodel expense? Ugg...

And so it begins...

2010-04-29T18:53:00.000-07:00

...unfortunately I didn't get any really good "before" pictures because I am off my game these days. I have this one from when I finished repainting and making new valances a few months back...

You only get to see the one side (because I was only taking a picture of the cute new curtains) but you can see the wall at the very far right in this picture that is no longer.

Here is what I came home to today:) and notice no upper cabinets and the wall is gone into the laundry room...

We will be living with these storage racks for awhile...good thing I tend to be pretty organized. We for sure won't be doing any hosting until everything is back to normal though!

Here is a look standing at the back door looking back into the kitchen towards the front of the house. Once the rest of the cabinets are out we plan to donate them as a set to Habitat for Humanity. They really are in pretty good shape they are just not our style. Hopefully someone else will benefit from them!

More to come...

Feeling the first flutters...

2010-04-29T16:27:00.000-07:00

...what an amazing blessing!

Lord, Please keep her safe. Amen.

Things are looking up..

2010-04-28T16:17:00.000-07:00

Ok so I haven't blogged in awhile. Partly b/c I had nothing new and exciting to report and partly b/c I then had news that we were keeping on the DL. Not that very many people I know IRL are followers, but you never know. DH's family tends to be pissy about who knows what when so the news had to go out to all the fam at the same time to save the drama...yeah for modern technology! Anywhoo...as for the news...

I again am part of the working class. A hefty paycut and 9 months later, but I'm finally back to the daily grind and loving it! Well the working part and the people part and the schedule part, but the 6am wake up call I could seriously do without. I actually would consider moving out of state if it means I don't have to work...DH is considering it:)

The real news though is that after exactly a year (timed to the same weekend which makes me smile) we are expecting again! Another baby girl and our Sweet Scarlett is going to be a guardian angel...God willing...in October. Baby G is due on her daddy's birthday and what a wonderful birthday gift she will be!

This is a little bitter-sweet for us though as we try very hard to set aside our fears and look forward to October. We are anxious and excited all at the same time. We are trusting that God is in control of this as well as everything else and that His perfect plan will be fullfilled no matter what it is and we will be ok!

As for our planning, we decided that now is a good time to start a kitchen remodel...crazy I know. But, we have been talking about it for over a year and had said that when I went back to work we would work it into the budget so that is what we are doing...I will post pictures later but it's in full swing. We have torn out the wall between the kitchen and laundry room to open things up. We are also transitioning everything out of the kitchen cabinets onto storage racks for the next year. The next phase is to re-route the plumbing, electrical and gas lines and then purchase our front loading washer/dryer to stack in the far corner to save space. Then we will move the water heater outside and go tankless to further save space (reduce water and energy costs as a bonus!). Then DH will start building the cabinet boxes.

That is about what will get done before Sept. If we are really lucky he will get the boxes installed by then. He is well aware that Sept is the stopping point though b/c I won't be "doing" construction with a new baby. Things will likely get finished next summer to include the drawers and doors and all the rest of the new stainless appliances. One other rule is that we pay cash for everything! I have no problem charging something to earn the points but it gets paid off immediately! Once all else is done and paid for my hope is to find a 0% financing for a year deal to buy the appliances so we don't have to pay interest on them, but can still stretch the payments. We will see when we get there.

While all of this is going on I have started working on the quilt for the nursery as I am making all my own crib bedding:). We will see how this goes. The room is tiny and I need to take advantage of every space-saving idea there is so I will be posting pictures as I move along to see if anyone has any great ideas.

So far I plan to use this: http://www.target.com/Whitmor-Over-Door-Pocket-Organizer/dp/B001DYMA3W except in clear and it's only $7.99 at my local store:). This will work great inside the closet for all those odds and ends things.

I will also use this: http://www.containerstore.com/shop/dorm/bath/towelRacks?productId=10014394 to go over the back of the bedroom door for baby blankets...We have a bunch already so Im hoping to be able to double up and have a place to hang them:)

I am also hoping DH will make me one of these: http://www.containerstore.com/shop/shelving/wallMountedShelving/completeShelfKits?Ntt=floating+shelf&productId=10025352 to hang on the wall over the dresser that will also have a changing pad on it so that I can put this super cute basket: http://www.potterybarnkids.com/products/bailey-side-tie-storage-pink-dot/?lineid=3&cm_src=E:B:BASKETS-BOXES-BUCKETS on it to hold diapers and then use the rest of the shelf for wipes, powder, etc.

So far that is it for my storage solutions! If you have more ideas keep them coming!

This is my pattern for the crib bumper, bed skirt, pillow and organizer...I am making my own quilt pattern but I just love the little flowers and I wanted a box pleat for the dust ruffle, not something frilly so this is perfect! No these aren't my colors though:) http://www.simplicity.com/p-2016-home-decorating.aspx

So anyways, that is about it. I hope to keep things updated as we move along and now that the cat is out of the bag:)

We are 15 weeks and 3 days along and have our next U/S...the big genetic one...on May 11th. Looking forward to that and the "all looks wonderful" news we are praying for!

Ciao!

One year ago today...

2010-01-18T17:43:00.000-08:00

...the single worst day of my life.

Mommy misses you baby girl...

You are loved so much!

Front porch re-do...

2010-01-12T16:15:00.000-08:00

Ok so let me just say that the people that lived here before us were trashy and dirty...I mean literal dirt, dirty. They painted over the dust (years of dust) on the original wood pained windows, they installed off white carpet to sell the house that looked brown 4 months later when I bought it, the slapped a coat of asphalt stuff over the driveway and slopped it all over the brand new garage door and had the worst "new" kitchen installed to "up the value of the home" (their realtor recommended the update and fronted them the money), need I continue?

So in addition to the above and a lot more they also had some stuff repainted, no prep, no cleaning, just paint over the dirt. YUCK!

The tacky posts on the front porch appeared to have been part of the repaint along with the trim and front door. The front door paint is totally splitting and stuff because of direct sun it takes all afternoon...so not prepped correctly.

Okay, so back to the front porch, it was aweful and other than preventing people from falling into the planter beside it, it served no purpose and really detracted from the front of the house (which still needs more work).

See what I mean? I have hated these things from the day I moved in and wanted them gone but there were other budget priorities.

Last week I took hubs on the porch and said, what if we just cut them short and make a railing? We can used what is here and be done for now. No money and it will look 100x's better. He completely agreed and had just been putting it off and said let's do it! Yeah! I was expecting some kind of resistence but not this time.

So, we (Mike) removed all the 2x4's...I did help move them once he got them un-attached:).

He cut them down and built a new railing. Personally I think we could have left it like the above shot, but that plam tree has some nasty spikes and if someone fell off the side it could be painful and so with that, the railing. He had me sand it all down though and with sanding comes repainting. I would have been happy with it without all that extra work, but he tends to go big or go home, so our free project did end up costing about $40 in paint and primer, screws and the concrete screws he needed to make sure the railing was securely anchored to the wall, which was probably a wise choice.

After a day of primer, a day to dry and another day of painting (today), it is finally done. We just color matched the paint that was already there since it matches the door and the house trim and all...one day we will re-stucco and paint, but it works for now. Not even 2 weeks in and the first project of 2010 is finished! WooHoo! I also used some spray paint we already had to re-paint the house numbers and the mailbox to match the porch light (something I should have done a year ago when the light went up) and will put those back up in a few days once the paint is curred. Viola! I am so pleased!

2010...the year of house projects!

2010-01-12T16:03:00.000-08:00

Well it actually started in late 2009 when I told the hubs that I wanted to have a Christmas party on December 23rd. It was, afterall, his first year off work for Christmas (and New Years). With Christmas on a Friday I figured most people would be off on Thursday as well so a party on Wednesday night seemed like a good idea...

Before this party could happen though, there were a few things I wanted to get done around the house to make it more presentable. Fast forward to a lovely Saturday morning in October when I busted out the paint and had at it! Very long story short, Mike was less than pleased when he woke up to find me with primer on the walls. Walls that he was not done prepping for paint...who knew? There had only been a giant patch in the plaster where we took out a wall for oh say...2+ years. Silly me I figured when the house was all dusty from demo and what not, that would have been time to do all the sanding and prep of said patch. Oh well...he was not pleased, there were a few tears but in the end we went from this:

To this, complete with new blinds and valances made by me:
I LOVE it! And am so pleased...now we can entertain for the holidays. Yippie! Fast forward to today and my next post...

6 months later...

2009-12-21T19:19:00.000-08:00

So okay, I have been a busy unemployed person...lol. More like lazy most days, at least too lazy to put my thoughts together in any semblance of order to warrant a blog entry. Not today is any different...

6 months of unemployment is slowly creeping up...it has actually been kind of nice. I have truly enjoyed being home and the hubs says he has liked having me here so that is nice too. I think when I do go back to work the pup is the one who will suffer the most...poor guy is so co-dependent at this point I don't know what he'll do.

Anyways, this week as been particularly hard. As Christmas looms I find myself more and more down, which is new for me. I love this time of year! I am a December baby and have always enjoyed the entire month of celebrations, but this year something is missing. Don't get me wrong I am truly blessed by such wonderful family and friends but my baby girl isn't here and it hurts. This would have been Scarlett's first Christmas...she should be almost 8 months old.

Today I visited a dear friend who is pregnant with her first and I didn't make it through the visit without tears. I felt bad to cry in front of her because this is a such a joyful time for her and her husband and I am so thrilled for them, but it was her wedding I was in when we lost our little angel and it is painful to remember. I almost passed out twice standing up for her at her wedding and looking back at the course of things, I know that's when my Scarlett went to be with Jesus. It was such a wonderful, Christ centered ceremony and I just know that while he was there in our midst he carried her home. Such an amazing blessing and terrible loss at the same time.

It doesn't help things that it is coming up on the 1 year anniversary of our loss...less than a month and counting. I want to honor her in some way that day but I can't think of what would be fitting. I pray that the right thing comes so I know what to do. My wonderful neighbor and friend left a mini evergreen tree with Scarlett's name on the wrapper and a darling pink ballet slipper ornament for our tree. We came home to this sitting on the counter after a quick trip to Arizona last weekend and I was so touched. Touched that she knew how hard this is and that she wanted to let me know that she is thinking of Scarlett too.

So that is how things are...still no job, still no baby, still hurting...but as I make it through each day I trust that God has a perfect plan for my life. I pray blessings on all the pregnant ladies in my life and those whom I don't even know, that they would have a happy and healthy 9 months that lead to a perfect little miracle who will enrich their lives and grow their family. Amen.

Leaving work for the last time...

2009-06-30T15:42:00.000-07:00

I'm posting as I finish cleaning off my hard drive and packing up the last little bit of my things. Bitter sweet to be leaving for the last time.

My new cell phone came in time though so I was able to get my number transferred over...no contact transfer from a blackberry to a regular phone though so I have to re input everyone. Blek!

I *think* I have everything...I filed for unemployment, my email has an away from office message, etc. I'm having trouble logging off for the last time...

Oh well, I'll be back online at home in about 2 weeks.

3 more days...

2009-06-26T10:22:00.000-07:00

WOW! 4 months have gone by fast...

It has been a crazy week. Starting with lunch plans with a former co-worker on Tuesday and then a commendation and such at the council meeting Tuesday night. The hubs came over for that one as well as much of my staff and the co-workers who were "on duty" that night which was very nice. Afterwards we went down to Huntington Beach for dinner (just me and the hubs). Wednesday I had a nice long lunch at the beach with another former co-worker and then dinner out with some other friends (former co-workers) that night. I had another lunch date on Thursday and one again today. Next week Monday I have plans to walk at lunch with our city manager and on my last day (Tuesday the 30th), they are throwing a luncheon for me that they sent the invitation to all 4,000 people that work here. Crazy!

I don't know anywhere close to everyone here and have no idea who will be attending but they have been getting "alot of calls" wanting to know if they were doing anything for me (which they weren't) so they had to do the scramble to plan something. Kinda nice I guess even if the people I actually work with needed a kick in the ass to arrange something. I have been here 9 1/2 years afterall.

We ordered a home computer a couple days back but it will be 2 weeks before it arrives...then a few more days before Verizon comes to get the FIOS set up so we will be without internet access for 2+ weeks...not sure how I will survive;)...

Saying my goodbyes...

2009-06-17T16:32:00.000-07:00

It is harder than I thought to tell people I am leaving and say goodbye. I went to what is considered "headquarters" yesterday to have lunch with some former co-workers before my last day. As is always the case I ran in to many people that I don't see often because of my work location. We all work for the same organization but not out of the same buildings so our meetings are infrequent.

I am always met with shock that my position is being eliminated and the first question is, "Well, where are you moving to?" Followed by, "But it's you, there has to be something!" I have to say this always surprizes me. I mean, I know I am good at my job, dedicated, trust worthy, etc. etc. but in my mind all employees are this way, or at least should be. The more I talk to people about what is going on here the more appauled I am at the jackassery that is rewarded with promotions instead of firings throughout this organization. It is crazy the seeming idiots that get promoted around here. Many I don't know personally but when everyone who finds out they have been promoted says, "They promoted that idiot???" When that many people say the same thing I tend to think the person they are talking about is really an idiot.

Since an idiot I am not but still they are letting me go, I find it hard to believe that after the 4 months this has been known that anyone is going out of their way to try and keep me around. Now, sure I have had conflict with others in the past and I am by no means perfect, but you will never find someone who has worked with me who will tell you I wasn't good at my job. I guess had I been a slacker around here maybe I would be being promoted instead?

So today I went to a luncheon hosted by our local Chamber. I have been our agency representative for this organization for the better part of 6 years and they invited me to come. Usually my organization picks up the tab and recently others have been attending on our behalf now that I am leaving but this time the Chamber treated (my boss who ended up coming had to pay though) which was nice of them. As I was leaving the office I told my boss where I was going and he of course didn't even know today was the meeting...nice. Not a big deal if he had assigned someone else to attend on our behalf, but he had not. So basically had they not invided me to attend no one would have been there. When I told him the meeting was starting in 10 minutes he told me he would be right behind me and ended up coming for the first part before having to leave.

Anyways, it is always nice to have lunch and visit with the local business community...that was until the board asked me to come up front. WHAT? They didn't tell me there was going to be any pomp and circumstance! They knew had they told me in advance I would not have come:). A little embarassing, but flattering at the same time; it was actually nice for them to rave about all my hard work and what an asset I had been and what a huge hole was going to be left in my place with my boss sitting right there. Afterall, he is the one who offered to give up my position in the interest of saving money...whatever. I'm much sadder (is that a word? lol) than I expected to be and I truly am going to miss this place and all the great people I have had the opportunity to work with over the last 6 years in this position. Not to mention the over 9 years I have with the organization. I have learned so much and am finding that I have so many friends that I will be leaving as well. This is going to be harder than I thought.

I have been trying to so hard to keep my "it is what it is" attitude about all of this that I hadn't let myself admit that I'm truly sad to be leaving. It's more than the slap in the face of "hey, you are the least valuable player on the team so we decided to cut your position", which of course is hurtful; but I'm truly sad that I won't get to interact with everyone in this community everyday. It really has been a great run...

So after they presented me with a very nice commendation we had the rest of the meeting and then the raffle that always ends these luncheons. I bought tickets and didn't win anything but its always fun to try. Secretly I was hoping (actually sent up a little prayer) to win the beautiful bouquet of flowers that was one of the items, but I didn't. One of the board members did however, and when he was walking back to his seat, he came by my table and set them in front of me. He thanked me for my service and wished me well. I was floored, so very sweet of him! I took a picture with my crackberry since most of my equipment (digital camera included) has been turned in...um taken from me. It's not the best shot but here you go:

9 days and counting...

2009-06-16T10:07:00.000-07:00

So, I had what I feel was a GREAT interview yesterday. It is for a consulting position with a local city that is having some crime problems. They need someone to come in and run a PR campaign, liaison with their law enforcement provider, etc. It's right up my alley so we will see...if it's where I am supposed to be I have total faith that it will work out! T-minus 9 more works days...

In the meantime I am SO EXCITED to see all my cousins this weekend. Everyone is coming to town for a shower we are throwing for one of the sisters who is getting married. I just love her to pieces and can't wait to celebrate her!!! Her mom and sisters (the cousins) are coming which is fun because everyone is in a different state. My sis will be in town too so all 5 cousins will be together. This really only happens at weddings (and showers) so it should be a wonderful time!

I love weddings...such a special time for the bride and groom (but really the bride because let's face it...it's all about her). There has been some on-going drama with the groom's family, which I know is stressing her out, but all-in-all it will be a great day...I will make sure of it!:) One thing I know for sure is that I will personally "handle" anyone who tries to put a damper on the day. I honestly don't expect this to be an issue even with the crazy groom family drama, but I am mentally prepared to regulate if I have too...lol. Typically though, in my experience, even the most sour of mother-in-laws are on their best behavior when the mother of the bride and all her family are present. Typically the a-hole behavior gets saved for when there is no one to witness it besides the bride.

Ah...the joys of wedding planning:)

The countdown is on...

2009-06-12T14:31:00.000-07:00

11 more actual work days and counting...this is so crazy to me! This will be the first time since I was 15 that I haven't had a job. If I don't work for more than 7 weeks it will also be the longest I have not worked since I was 15...just crazy! I plan to take next Friday off so that is why 11 not 12. My official last date here is June 30th. I have made about 4 different lunch dates so far between now in then. Just making arrangements to get together with former co-workers that I will likely lose touch with once I am no longer here so that will help to pass the time.

I do have to say that although I have some crazy anxiety about money and all that, I am actually looking forward to this. I finally hope to find my motivation to start exercising again!

I also plan to finish 2 quilts that I am donating to charity when they are done (nice little write-off for those), get caught up on my scrapbooking, not be rushed to get home everyday and get dinner on the table, clean my house more regularly, etc. I never thought I could be the stay at home type, but I'm thinking this might be kinda nice and now could be the perfect time to get pregnant again really. Time will tell. It does sound heavenly though to not have to get up early, dragging myself out of bed and then figuring out how to deal with the crazy mid-afternoon exhaustion that plagued my first pregnancy. I could just take a nap when I needed on because I would be at home. I could wait until later in the day to figure out what sounds good for dinner instead of be faced with wanting to puke from just thinking about the chicken I took out in the morning and then spending unbudgeted money on take-out again because the chicken just doesn't sound good by time I'm off work.

Yeah, there could be something to all this...we shall see.

Journey of the Heart weekend

2009-05-18T11:40:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I attended the Journey of the Heart conference. What an amazing group of moms! It is a great weekend that brings bereaved moms together to remember the children they have lost. It is through a wonderful, faith-based organization called Umbrella Ministries (http://www.umbrellaministries.com/). I had the opportunity to meet some amazing women who are walking this walk and doing it with grace and love and dignity. So awesome!

The weekend ended with a dove release in memory of our lost children and was just lovely.

I powerful weekend of prayer and remembrance I am so glad I went. It is so great to walk into a room and know that everyone there knows exactly how you feel and will listen if you want to talk or just sit with you if you need to cry and won't tell you to get over it. I hope that everyone who was there got out of it exactly what they needed in this moment.

We were hosted by this beautiful lady, Daisy who is the co-founder of Umbrella Ministries. What a wonderful lady she is.

This is one of the many memory gifts we received during the weekend.

We all had the opportunity to make memory bracelets in memory of our children. So special!

Superdelish Dinner...Orzo pasta ala Me!

2009-05-13T08:39:00.000-07:00

Ok so I don't intend to transition into a food blog but assume that every once in awhile I might feel the need to share...like today!

So Friday night we went to Macaroni Grill for dinner. Not our favorite place but we had $50 in gift cards from mypoints.com (you sign up and shop through them, click on emails, etc. and earn points...I can refer you if you like - shameless plug;)

Anyways, I had a great salad and was craving it again so I created my own. I had left over shredded chicken from tacos the night before. To make these I boiled 2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts, shredded and then fried them for a bit with some fresh pepper, garlic salt and some taco seasoning. Use whatever chicken you like. I believe there was 1-1 1/2 cups...about 1/2 from the night before.

Ingredients:
1 cup shredded chicken (1 large breast)
1/2 box orzo pasta - al dente
1 bag baby spinach
1/2 container cherry tomatos, halved
1/2 c pine nuts, roasted
2 tbsp basil, chopped
2 tbsp parsley, chopped
1/2 container capers
1 small can chopped black olives
1/2 c. or more shaved parm.

Dressing - whip the following together:
Juice of 2 lemons (mine where home grown and very juicy...add more to adjust to your taste)
1 tbsp red wine vinegar
1/2-1/3 c olive oil
fresh cracked pepper
rock salt, to taste (I use mine from a grinder)
1 tsp Italian seasoning
1 clove minced garlic

In a large mixing bowl add tomatos, baby spinach, and pine nuts (I roasted these for about 2 minutes in a hot pan sprayed with cooking spray).

Drain pasta but do not rinse. Pour over spinach and toss together. This will wilt the spinach.

Add remaining ingredients and toss together. Plate individual servings (makes 3-4) and shave a bit more cheese over the top. Serve.

Just YUM! The hubs even loved it...rarely do I cook without a recipe but this one turned out great if I do say so myself. I will be doing this for Mother-in-law night in a few weeks. I served this with a spicy merlot, but any red you like would really go great. At the restaurant I had their version with a chianti.

What a tough day!

2009-05-11T11:56:00.001-07:00

Well, Mother's Day weekend was tougher than I expected. The weekend started out pretty good though. We went to dinner and a movie Friday night...If you haven't seen Wolverine it is awesome!

Saturday I went with my cousin to pick up her wedding dress (can I just say I LOVE LA traffic?! not!!!) and then headed to Oceanside with the hubby for our God-daughter's 6th birthday. It was a long drive down for only a few hours but so worth it! She is just the most precious thing...

Sunday started out pretty rough...an emotional roller coaster most of the day. We went to church in the morning and then came home to get the house ready for the fam to come over. I was pretty close to loosing it for no apparant reason and Mike picked up on it and sent me to run and errand I needed to do while he finished setting up. Good thing he did because I was close to unloading and it would have been directed at him, poor guy. My dear friend and neighbor came out to give me a hug when I got home and we both ended up in tears. It was a much needed cry and then I was fine the rest of the day. I am so blessed and thankful to have Laura in my life...she has been a true God-send through this entire process!

We had a great afternoon with the moms...

And learned that the pup likes watermellon...

He does not, however, like it when you get too close to his watermellon...lol. Doesn't he look vicious?

A healthy debate...

2009-05-08T11:14:00.000-07:00

So today on a financial networking board that I frequent (thanks Racole for the name), there was a post by a mom who has suffered the loss of 2 pregnancies. She was looking for perspective on the way she was feeling with regard to friends who are pregnant. She made a comment about being frustrated that 3 of her now pregnant friends have had 7 abortions between them in the past. She was having feelings of anger and frustration that those that had made what she felt was a bad choice where now easily able to get pregnant when she is not. The following comments took a spin into people "flaming" her for the abortion comment, which was really just not helpful.

I found this post difficult to watch unfold and felt the need to comment about their insensitivity and inability to understand the irrational thoughts she was having. I'm still bothered by the entire post and feel the need to continue to express myself. I will say that I was not the only one upset by the abortion debate that started as a result of her comment and there were many others that called some on their insensitiveness (is that a word?) and told them to take there debate to another post as this was not the place.

It is truly impossible for someone who has not suffered the loss of a child/pregnancy to understand the range of emotions you feel as you go through the grieving process. If you know someone who has suffered this kind of loss do not judge them if they tell you about these things...help them, offer your support and explain to them that you know this isn't "them", that this isn't truly how they feel and that it is just the grief talking and that it is okay!

You truly have the craziest, most irrational thoughts directed at anyone in their path when they bubble to the surface. They hit you at the most inopportune times and can make your blood boil, put you into a funk that makes you feel like you can't breathe, or even cause you to burst into tears no matter where you are for no apparant reason. Unless you have been there you can't possibly understand it and have no right to judge.

Personally I find myself looking around at all the teens (and even pre-teens) who are pregnant and it makes me so angry! Not all the time, but on those days when the grief takes over it is uncontrolable. I find myself having the most irrational thoughts that are even hateful at times. The other day I saw a couple crossing the street holding hands who were maybe 16? She was about 7-8 months pregnant and it just hit me. I was furious! Furious at their parents for not teaching them safe sex, at a society that condones this through the media and movies, at a culture that thinks it is acceptable for babies to have babies, and on and on...I was angry at all of them and wanted to know why this girl was pregnant and I wasn't, afterall, I had done everything right!

To give another example; I have found myself being angry at the entire Mexican population in CA who have babies as teenagers, or have 5 kids under 5 toddling behind them and are ready to pop with another one. This turns into anger at the illegal population (regardless of the pregnant woman's immigration status, which is really none of my business) that is "allowed" to continue to have kids and be supported by the gov't and tax payers. This goes on and on until I am emotionally exhausted and then it turns into sadness. I'm sad at myself that I can think such hateful, aweful things about people I don't know, sad for the loss of a much wanted baby girl, just sad, sad, sad.

It is all just so irrational and not really who I am or what I know to be true or how I truly feel, but grief is a powerful thing. I would never have believed truly how powerful it is until I felt it myself. It really can turn you into a crazy person...if you let it. You have to make a conscious effort to not let those irrational thoughts take over our you will drown in them!

So I pray...I pray for forgiveness for all the hateful, aweful things I think and feel, I pray for all those who are suffering like I am, and I pray that at the right moment every one of us will be blessed with a precious baby to love!

Post Weekend Update...

2009-05-04T14:54:00.000-07:00

Well, my EDD weekend wasn't as bad as I thought. I was a teary mess pretty much on Friday. Poor hubby wasn't sure what to do with me. It wasn't until late in the day that he realized what the day actually was and he felt horrible...poor guy. He knew it was around that time just didn't know the exact date (men:). Not really a big deal but still, it upset me more than I admit to him I think.

Found out this AM that a friend had her baby boy on Friday. That was definitely my vote for the date! I will be taking them dinner one day next week and can't wait to meet her new little man.

We had our community yard sale on Saturday and it was nowhere near as busy as usual and not as many people where selling which I found odd. I thought for sure many would be out to make some extra cash but the weather was not the greatest so maybe that is why? We got rid of a bunch of stuff and made $85 which is less than previous years but $85 more than we had on Friday. We also donated the left over stuff which gives us a tax write off so that is nice too. We were super tired after the early day and met up with some family for lunch. I was fighting a head cold so I went home and took a long nap. In bed at 3 we watched Marley and Me (probably not the best choice given my emotional state but any excuse to cry works for me), got up for a snack at 5 and then slept all night...

Sunday we went to church early and then I met my mom and another friend for "Grease" at the OC Performing Arts Center. The show featured Taylor Hicks as Teen Angel and afterwards he sang his new single and then signed autographs in the lobby which I thought was nice.

It was cute, different than the movie but still good. The music of course was fun. I wasn't feeling great so I'm sure it would have been more fun had I been.

The hubs is still recovering from a back injury and thankfully missed some craziness at work Saturday night. I have to admit I enjoy having him home. He called me in a funk this morning though after his doctor appt, as he was told that he is doing too much and he seriously needs to be doing NOTHING! He is not pleased.

Well that's all, I just felt the urge to write about my weekend. No big acknowledgement of the day May 1st could have been other than my being sad at the day that it wasn't. Still no luck on the job search but I am applying for about 3-5 positions a week (my goal is one everyday) and am still trusting that I will end up where I am supposed to be!

Tomorrow is my due date:(

2009-04-30T14:39:00.000-07:00

I've been pretty teary the last week or so...at my moms grief support group on Tuesday night it really hit me that Friday would have been my due date. I'm just all around sad and generally bummed out about it. I took the day off work to spend it at Disneyland with the hubby but he got hurt at work Friday night and is out of commission. Thankfully he is going to be ok so I'm not worried about missing Disney. We will instead get ready for the community yard sale on Saturday.:)

When I say we, I mean me, as he will not be able to assist. I feel like I need to do something to acknowledge the day but I can't figure out what that something should be. I'm just kinda numb about it I think. I'm trying to keep myself busy so I don't just wallow in the sadness. That doesn't seem like it would be healthy even though I know that mourning is okay. I can't explain it really.

I guess I will just face it like any other day...wake up, smile at this beautiful world God created, look over at my wonderful husband and be thankful that he is healthy (almost) and that we are happy and can try for another baby. Be thankful for my wonderful family and friends and trust that if God brings you to it, He'll bring you through it!

More job hunting...

2009-04-23T15:02:00.000-07:00

Have I mentioned that I HATE the fact that I am job hunting? Seriously, I loath it...first you search high and low for a job posting. If you get really lucky you print a cover letter and resume and mail it in...if not, you have to "build" a resume on line to submit electronically. What a joy that is! It's not that it is hard but it is SO time consuming! And of course, every agency uses a different program so you 'build' your resume over and over like a broken record...ugg!

You would think I would have it all memorized by now but nope. I have a neat and tidy little (quite large these days really) folder that keeps all things job related oganized. I turn to the latest submission and just copy away. I have tried to log into one site and copy/paste into another with no luck. So frustrating! Of course while I am copying away I find type-o's so I have to log back in to the last one I typed up and fix it. Again...frustrating! Why can't all the government agencies just use the same resume builder application? Maybe they are trying to weed out those who aren't dedicated enough to the job search?

My most favorite part of today was the hour I spent uploading all my training, etc. only to hit save and have it tell me that I had been logged out for security reasons...WTF? All the other sites that have this lovely feature warn you with a handy dandy pop-up before they do this so you can save your work...nope, not this one. All was lost and now I have to start all over...type a line, hit save, wait 5 minutes for it to load the next page, go back to the previous page, repeat. Yippee! What fun this is...blek.

The wonder that is Facebook!

2009-04-01T09:53:00.000-07:00

The wonder that is Facebook has re-connected me with tons of old friends...what a trip!

So an old friend is in town for his Spring Break (he is a teacher). He drove down from Montana with a buddy to spend a week in SoCal (if I lived in Montana I'd want out of there any chance I got too). Through Facebook another friend arranged a small gathering at a local joint for dinner and drinks. What an absolute blast! I haven't laughed that hard in a long time...

It was so wonderful to see everyone and oh the stories!!! We were all pretty close at the end of HS and into junior college and then for University we all went our seperate ways. It seems the girls kept in touch with each other and the guys did the same, but the guys and girls didn't keep in touch with each other...wierd. Some of us re-connected at the 10 year reunion many moons ago and some of us have re-connected via Facebook. What a great way to network with old friends!

I brought my camera and of course the battery was dead. Another friend had hers (and made sure to let everyone know it was because she is "the token Asian" that she had a camera...she is a freakin' riot!) and has promised to upload pics to Facebook.

Anyways, it was a really good time and I needed that. Looking forward to May when some of us plan to arrange another gathering...old friends are the best!

Job hunting 101...

2009-03-18T09:52:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I have truly "job hunted". Seriously, I was 19 the last time I went on a real interview (no offense to my table waiting career but those interviews don't really count). I did get the job though and have since been the interviewer a number of times so I don't think my skills are too rusty...I don't think.

I have so far applied for 2 positions...one is a fairly high up (think 6 figures+) spot with DHS...the other is an Admin Asst spot at church. Right now the church position is the most appealing. After the toxic environment that my current position has turned into for me, I really feel called to be somewhere that is nurturing, God centered, warm, friendly...these are all things I would expect while running the front office of a church that is all these things, right? So yesterday I scaled back my resume and drafted a cover letter and sent it in...found that I had some of the older dates incorrect so I sent in a correction...the gal currently in the spot replied with a "no worries I'll be sure the update gets printed for review"...phew! Here I am talking about how organized and detail oriented I am only to make a mistake on my resume! Good grief!

Anyways, she was nice enough about it, I thanked her and told her how foolish I felt and according to her she apparently did something similar when she first applied. I was tempted to ask her about the position, why she was leaving, etc. But I didn't want to overstep...even though she is the one who opened up the lines of communication. I instead thanked her and moved on. I pray for an interview and a compensation package that will be in the ballpark of what we need to survive. I could take half of what I make now but not much less...anything less and something has to go...child support maybe? LOL. I just don't know what to expect from a church position...like any non-profit, I know they pay quite a bit less than something in the public or even private sector.

My husband of course wants me to get the DHS spot...not so much for the money (although a 1/3 salary increase would be nice!), but more so because he is angry at my current employer and wants me to move onward and upward. I have to admit the thought is appealing...but do I really want that kind of responsibility? Again, the money would be really nice, but with that kind of money comes longer hours than I work now...60+ hour work weeks, travel, etc. Not the ideal time in our lives for this...we are wanting to start a family afterall.

So, now I wait...I have another application pending that I just need to hear back from those that I want to list as personal references before I send it in. It's for an Adminstrative Secretary position and is very good money for the level of responsibility...it's a bit longer commute on the parking lot...ummm, freeways of LA, but for the right spot I guess a commute like everyone else wouldn't be so bad!

Baby King

2009-03-15T21:47:00.000-07:00

Well, today one of my dearest friends had her baby. She was the first one pregnant of the 7 girls who are all expecting around the same time...myself included. My mom and I went to the hospital this afternoon to meet the new addition. I wasn't sure going was a good idea but I wanted to try. I want everyone to know that I am more than just "the friend who lost her baby". I need to be more than just "the friend who lost her baby".

So we went to the hospital balloons and flowers in hand. We bumped into the proud daddy on our way in and he took us up. All the family was in the waiting area so we had some time to visit before heading in. The new little man is a handsome guy. Just perfect at 7 lbs 3 oz and 19" long...he has his mommy's chin dimple and my mom was chomping at the bit to get her hands on him...

...this was the only part that almost got me. Seeing her pick him up and how excited she was to meet him got me a bit choked up. This was supposed to be us. She was supposed to be holding her grand-daughter and getting to meet her, but that isn't going to happen...at least not this time. After this I wasn't sure I would be able to hold him, but I finally did and it was great.

I was grateful for how easy it was to hold that precious baby and not lose it there with all the happy family. I am so truly thrilled for them and would never have wanted anything to damper this wonderful day for them. I am continually amazed at what God gives me the strength to handle! He is so awesome! Lord I pray your blessing on baby king and ask that you protect him and keep him. Thank you for bringing him safely into this world and that he and his mom are both healthy and doing well. Please give her a quick recovery and bless this new family and keep them safe. I ask all these things in your almighty name, Amen.

Job and such...

2009-03-10T15:58:00.000-07:00

Well, I think I am past the "I'm a failure phase". Now I'm just pissed off! Seriously it takes everything I have to pass on my work to my subordinate employee. First, I am going to be here for 4 months...what exactly am I supposed to do all day if she is doing most of my work. There is some that is going to another guy in a different unit so that isn't as tough because he doesn't work for me, but he wants it all right now and I don't see the rush. Call me crazy, but when I am still here, why not let me continue to do what I do and just get you trained. Why would you want to take it all on right away?

Oh well, I continue to smile and do what I can to ensure they don't make mistakes when I leave...they will and I'm it will be my fault. I guess I just need to know for my own peace of mind that I did everything I could do to ensure they would be successful. Again, call me crazy.

So once the work runs out I guess I am job hunting. Right now I'm applying all over...anyone have an in at DHS? Everyone tells me 'they' aren't going to let me go. Not sure who 'they' is but I hope not, I truly had intended to make this place my career. I love the work and the people and that is hard to come by...really, how many people can say they LOVE getting up to go to work everyday?

In the meantime we are preparing ourselves financially for the hit that may last quite a long time. We are paying the minimum on our credit card and I have stopped my 457 contributions...everything extra is going to savings. Once I have another job we can put all that back towards retirement and debt repayment but for now, this is the plan. Thanks to my financial networking group and thier awesome advice I am not as freaked as I could be. We need to consider our immediate needs before worrying about retirement. In this economy I don't want to rely on credit since that can dry up in a moment...cash is king these days. Oh well, another work day over...

When it rains it pours...

2009-03-03T21:37:00.000-08:00

Well, today was my first day back at work after the still birth of our daughter. I went back a week or so before my doctor recommended and 7 weeks before I legally had to, only to be called into my bosses office and be told that "the city has a 1.8 budget deficit" and that " they have decided to eliminate your position". That is really code for, "they asked me to give something up and we were getting along fine without you so I picked your position, sorry about the bad luck". Nice! Not only do I fail as a mom and a wife that was supposed to give her husband a child, but I also fail as a highly educated professional that had found her career with an organization she loves...yeah me!

I smiled and did my best to assure them that I would get everything in order and make the transition as smooth as possible for you. I just don't have it in me to walk away and leave them (in my mind) high and dry. I also just won't take the chance that I would burn that bridge after 9 years.

What I want to know is why do I bother...why does anyone? Why do we spend the majority of our time at work only to have them say to us that they appreciate all of your heart and soul but when it comes down to it they are going to keep those that to whom this is just a job over you. Where does this work ethic of mine come from I would really like to know?

Now, in a perfect world this news would have come 2-3 months before I left for maternity leave. I would have planned for it and been upset about it, but as soon as they put that precious little girl in my arms it wouldn't have mattered. I would have gone on leave for 4 months and done some job huntiing while I was out and hopefully found a little something the help us get by.

Now, granted I have 4 months to find something without the undesirable condition of pregnancy to unfavorably taint the decision of any potential employer, but that little bit of reality doesn't make it any easier. I still failed as a mother and now am failing as a wife, equal partner and career woman...again, yeah me! That doesn't change the pressure to continue to be an equal contributer to the financial well-being of this marriage and household (baby-less or not). If I was staying home to raise children and keep a house that would be one thing but to just stay home and keep a house doesn't seem like enough. Why is that?

Realistically I had hoped to get pregnant again as soon as possible...now we can't. We can't possibly live where we do (as modest as it may be) on one salary even without all the extras. My husband's salary can't cover all of our health insurance, plus a 3rd mouth on top of it. I'm 35 and not getting any younger...are kids not in the cards for us? I find myself praying for answers.

Dear Lord...I trust that you know the big picture. I trust that you know what you have in store for me and I ask for the patience to wait for your guidance. I ask for your forgiveness as I doubt what you have planned for my life. Most of all, I ask that you keep my husband safe and that you give us another child to love, nurture and raise in your ways. I ask all of these things in your name and in your time. Amen.

A precious gift...only for a moment

2009-02-21T16:45:00.000-08:00

Only a few hours after writing my 25 week post I had some spotting and called my doctor. It wasn't my normal doc but his partner and he sent me to the hospital to get checked out b/c I was also not feeling the flutter movement that I had been feeling. I had stomach flu earlier in the week and when I talked to my normal doc he said that a change in the flutter movement to more of a shifting was okay. In hindsight, probablly not so much.

At 4pm I ran home and got my hubby and off to the hospital we go. After 30 min of looking for the heartbeat and a lot of "I hear movement and there's your heartbeat but its blocking baby" they got an u/s machine. A lot of whispering and what not and finally the doctor gave us the devestating news...the baby had no heartbeat.

Unbelievable at first because of all the "there is a kick, I heard it and she moved" comments. They had just been talking like she was moving like crazy in there and now she doesn't have a heartbeat, what are you people possibly talking about. So they step out to call the doctor, we have a few moments of shocked tears and then my husband had to go to the lobby to start making phone calls and we wait for the doctor. 30 min later he arrives and we decide for an induction instead of waiting for things to move along naturally. They moved us to a labor and delivery room and started that whole process. My folks arrived a short time later and my dad's first words were, "God doesn't make mistakes". I know dad, I know, but right now everything feels like one.

I mean really, how did we get here? From shock and disbelief and the initial freak out of 'hey your pregnant'. To getting to share the news with everyone, to it's a girl, to she has no heartbeat at 25 weeks...how does that happen? Right now we still don't know...it's either something I ate that we thought was stomach flu or some kind of blood clotting problem. They did some blood work on me a few weeks ago to check for #2. If it turns out I'm ok then it's #1 which in turn caused clotting in the placentia which killed our baby. We don't know what I could have eaten but the bacteria they found comes from undercooked food. I don't know how I feel about this...the first thing they tell you is that you have to know this didn't happen because you did anything wrong...really? Because if we find that something I ate was undercooked and that made me sick which made her sick, then how is it that I'm not at fault? It's all just so crazy.

I go back to the doctor in another few weeks so we will hopefully have the final answer about what happened then. In the meantime I have made a scrapbook of her...Scarlett Noel, that is what we named her. I have put all the baby stuff in the dresser, my folks took the bassinet to their house, I have given some of the diapers and things as shower gifts and now I wait. Wait for the days when I can't help but cry most of the time, wait for the empty feeling to go away, wait for the good days to start outweighing the bad...just wait.

Week 25 and counting...

2009-01-16T13:46:00.000-08:00

Ok so I'm not so good at updating. I don't have any followers that I know of though so I guess it's okay.

So far all has been pretty un-eventful. The word is out on my being PG and things are moving along. We had some genetic testing and after the drama that came with it, we are 95% sure baby girl is all fine. We are stuck between Isabelle and Madeline for the name and are still arguing about the middle name.

I was in a wedding over the weekend and had to sit down during the ceremony so as not to pass out. That was a bit wierd but I guess my body's way of telling me to slow down. Once I sat for awhile I was fine and I guess it was way better than being the BM who passes out and causes a whole big production during your big day! The next day I was out with stomach flu for 2 days so I'm guessing that had something to do with it as well...oh well. Working on recovering now and all is well.

Here is an old u/s pic...

She is a she (you can't tell here) and I can't find the next U/S where you can tell...I still need to hunt that down.

Well, off to a meeting...

Well, we're pregnant...

2008-09-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

Not sure exactly how I feel about it. We talked about it, decided we were ready and viola! Here we are. But now that we are here I find myself wondering if we made the right choice, is that normal? I mean at this point I don't really have a choice in the matter but still, I'm a bit freaked about the whole thing. When I think about it too much my stomach is just in nervous knots. I'm trying to be positive, but still not letting myself be excited b/c of the statistics that say to wait until your 1st tri-mester is over....7 weeks to go.

I found myself wanting my mom to know so we had all the folks for dinner this weekend and told them the news. Now that my mom knows I don't really want to talk about it, I find I'd rather ignore it...I don't know why. Almost like if I don't acknowledge it then it won't be real maybe? I guess after the first ultrasound it will be more real, but for now it just feels wierd. I know something is different but other than feeling like puking I can't really put my finger on it. It's just wierd.

I've told one friend b/c she figured it out on her own and again, she was more excited than I feel. I want to tell others so they will understand why I'm so moody but I want to wait until things are farther along b/c I don't want to tell them if something happens....did I mention that I just feel wierd about the whole thing? I always thought I woudl ahve kids especially after I married my husband, I want nothing more than to raise a family with him and see him with our kids but again, I just feel off about the whole thing.

Everyone says to get through the first 3 months and it will all be fine...I can only hope, this feeling sick all the time is for the birds!

Delicious Dinner last night!!

2008-08-20T10:46:00.000-07:00

I just want to share a yummy (made up) recipe...I got the original from foodnetwork.com (I think) and then modified for a Greek flare and personal taste:

SALAD:
1 lb tri-color rotini pasta
2 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (cubed)
2 tbsp olive oil
1 large broccoli crown (stem removed and chopped)
1 carrot (pealed - once peeled, use peeler to shave carrot into strips)
1/4-1/2 c. red onion (diced small)
1 large tomato (cubed/diced small)
1/2 cucumber (pealed and cubed)
1/2 box crumbled feta cheese (I used the oregano, garlic & lemon flavor)
1 green onion (chopped) - set aside 1/2

DRESSING:
1/2 c plain yogurt
1 tsp dijon mustard
1 tbsp dill
1 tbsp white wine vinegar
1 tbsp+ lemon juice
2 cloves of garlic (minced)
salt and fresh ground pepper to taste

Put olive oil in med. frying pan. Bring to med/hot and add chicken. Add salt and pepper to taste and any other seasoning you have on hand that you like (I happened to have some Mrs. Dash and used that). Cook until golden brown (8-10 min.) stirring to prevent burning. NOTE: all the liquid from the chicken will be gone when this is cooked through. Remove from heat and sprinkle with 1/2 of the remaining green onion (previously split in half).

At the same time, boil pasta until al dente adding chopped broccoli for the last 2 minutes so slightly blanched. Drain and rinse in cold water.

While pasta is boiling combine remaining salad ingredients (except cheese) in serving bowl and set aside. In small bowl combine dressing ingredients and add the remaining green onion. Season with salt and pepper to taste and set aside.

When ready to serve. Add the cooled (room temp) chicken and pasta/broccoli to the other salad ingredients and toss together gently. Mix in dressing and sprinkle with cheese. VIOLA!

So yum and made enough for DH and I, plus 2 days of lunches for me:)

Delicious and healthy too! Enjoy...

LB Vet's Stadium Antque Market this weekend!

2008-08-15T11:51:00.000-07:00

An annual trip with my mother-in-law (MIL), her sister and some of their friends. I don't really collect anything but they all do and it is so fun to go with them and watch them hunt for bargains. I also get a big kick out of seeing stuff that my folks have around the house. They don't really collect either but my dad loves 'old' stuff so I see quite a number of items for sale that I grew up with. They will be coming along this time to check it out...I won't be hunting for anything in particular, but in the past I have gotten a beautiful table cloth, silver plated cheese knives and a glass serving bowl for mayo and mustard complete with the glass ladels! So cute:)

If you have never been and are in the area, check it out. It is held on the 3rd Sunday of each month. http://www.longbeachantiquemarket.com/

The life of a step-parent

2008-08-15T11:46:00.001-07:00

This is one I struggle with in a big way. I love my husband dearly and my primary concern as his wife is for his well-being. Watching that well-being be tied to a child who doesn't love him like he loves her, who has now 2 step-dads in her life to replace him and to whom she shows more affection and trust than her own father, is just heartbreaking! As much as I enjoy her when she is with us, it is so difficult not to just shake her sometimes and tell her to get a clue, that this is a wonderful man who loves her, etc... What to do? What to do?

So I find myself struggling to remember what it was like to be 13, to put myself in her shoes, what it would be like being sent to a see a man who isn't a part of her day-to-day world and cut her some slack. Tough to do, but I try.

So, for this our new summer visit plan (read: more attorney bills in March & we hope to be done with all that) we get her for a court ordered 2 weeks each year...that's it. If she wants to come other times or for longer in the summer she can come whenever she wants, but there is no more court ordered, Christmas, Thanksgiving, Spring Break, etc. b/c her coming here to visit is SO traumatic and damaging to her...blah, blah, blah. Give me a break, her mom is such a drama queen. When she is here the world revolves around her (much like it does at home)...shopping, beach, dinner out, etc. My husband takes 2 weeks off a year and its to spend with her in the summer. Not so we can have time together, but so that he can see her as much as possible while she is here. But, he doesn't love her and is ruining her life...yeah right!

When she leaves we get a hug and 'bye' and then she is back to real life, no calls, no birthday or father's day cards, nothing but an occasional email and returned phone call...oh, but she is sure to send a birthday and Christmas wish list each year whether it is asked for or not. Nice. Yeah mom, great parenting!

She was here in March for Spring Break and not only did she come down, so did her mother, step-father, 1/2 brother and newly adopted sister...oh joy. There really is nothing better than having her be with us and be pissy and rude b/c she would rather be at her grandfather's with her mom, et.al. Now there is a delightful visit filled with "quality" time.

My husband and I both took the week off work and spent all the time we could with her. We even went so far as to invite mom, et.al. over for dinner one night and then we all went to the zoo one day, just so that she could see all of us together and getting along. She does know there is tension between her parents so for her to get to spend time with them together and have it be okay is important. We really did have a fun time until she and I worked on a school project and she made it a point to show her dad a poem she wrote about how she is "flexible" and then proceeded to write "I pretend I like to come to CA to visit my dad". Talk about getting sucker punched! That was it for him. He told her what she wrote was mean and hurtful and that he had worked so hard, particularly these last 4 years to do what was best for her, but that he was done doing that now. She knew what we were about, she could come here if she wanted to. None of this was an act, we really wanted her here and looked forward to her coming, but obviously she was pretending and that she was too old to pretend anymore. He wasn't going to fight with her about it anymore and she was old enough to start taking some responsibility for their relationship. If she didn't want to come, don't come, but if she was going to come, then "be" here.

So, now she is back for her summer visit. We were pleasantly surprised that she got on the plane and actually showed up and so far so good. She went to her dad first thing to talk about the rules with her cell phone (which has been a huge issue & we usually take it away after we catch her texting at 1 am, etc.). They came to an agreement about the rules for that while she was here; totally unprovoked by him. He was very proud of her for that and told her so. I decided to work on his days off, which means that they actually have to spend time together without me there as a buffer and they had a great 1st day! Yeah! We made a special birthday dinner and opened presents with her last night and then watched 27 Dresses. Today they are hangin' out again before she and I go to bunko for the evening and he goes to work. Unfortunately he picks his vacation in January for the year and she was scheduled to come in August before we did the latest round of custody stuff with her mom...he has 2 weeks off in August and she decided to come in June. So, I'll be off tomorrow 'til next Tuesday so that she and I can hang while he works and we have tons of fun plans. I am really looking forward to the rest of her visit as we are off to a good start. A bunch of family and friends are joining us at Disneyland on Monday to celebrate her b-day so that will be fun.

I only hope that this new found attitude of hers is a sign that she might actually be starting to 'get it' and be beginning to realize that her dad isn't a bad guy. That he absolutely adores her and wants to be part of her life even if he is 4 states away. Wow, wouldn't that be a fantastic new leaf to turn over??? A step-mom can only hope...

Introducing myself...

2008-06-04T09:59:00.000-07:00

Hello All!

Not sure what, if anything, interesting I have to say in the blogging world but in looking to leave a comment for another, I set up an account and here I am.

A bit about me...I am 34, married to my best friend and live in SoCal. We both work in public service and we met at work. We have a great little (read: cramped with little to no storage that is making us crazy!) house that is a constant project. We also have 2 pets...my Simba who is an 11 year old orange tabby cat, and Sir Teddy, an American Bulldog pup who will be 2 in August. Since I am not getting any younger, we are working on starting a family as well. I have a beautiful, 13 year old step-daughter who lives out of state that we don't see nearly enough. She will be here next week though so we are looking forward to that!

As for hobbies and what not, I am an avid scrapbooker and I also do some quilting. With the tiny house as it is, I really don't have a dedicated space for either of these so I have unfortunately set them aside for now. Occasionally I get really motivated and drag all of my stuff out to the dining room table and actually work on it, but for the most part it is hidden away.

My husband is currently rebuilding a 1960 suburban which will be great when it is done, but is a "bone of contention" currently. We have hit pause on the rebuilding favor of finishing the house, starting a family and paying for the never-ending dog injuries...maybe I'll share about those later.;)

Well, that's about it...thanks for stopping by. Have a wonderful day!